Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions
by Shinigami's Soul
Summary: Trowa has his own show. He's helping those...who need it...And believe me, that's about everyone! ^_~ R&R! (edited and revised!)
1. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Thanks to all those who read and reviewed, 'Shall I dig your grave?'! It was a great fic wasn't it? ^_^ I knew it! BTW, I am sooo full of myself! So don't let it get to you! ^_~ Enjoy!

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions

{Trowa is sitting on a comfortable leather chair. He's holding a clipboard and a pencil in his hands. He then looks up.} 

Trowa: ...Hi.

Audience: HI DR. TROWA.

Trowa: {looks blankly at the audience} ...Dr. Trowa? ...scary people. Alright, Welcome to Trowa's Mental Sessions. I help...those who need it. Such as...Wufei! Wufei and...Wufei. Which brings me to my first-- and probably only-- guest...Wufei. Come on out...Wufei.

{Wufei walks out on stage and lies down on the large leather futon bed}

Trowa: Hi...Wufei.

Wufei: Hi Dr. Trowa-

Trowa: They've even got you calling me Dr. Trowa!

Wufei: Because your name is Dr. Trowa, Dr. Trowa. What a fool.

Trowa: *sighs* Alright, Wufei. What problem do you seem to have-- other than being screwed up in the head?

Wufei: ...All these people...I know I am stronger than them all...they just won't admit it! And it bothers me!

Trowa: ...Tell me, Wufei...do you have any witnesses?

Wufei: ...I know I'm stronger than...you. And...the blond arab...the braid boy...hmm...and-no...yes. And Heero.

Trowa: ...Wufei, you say you are that strong? What do you know...about Justice?

Wufei: {jumps up} JUSTICE? What do you know about INJUSTICE? It's all you weak fools that makes the world a living hell! You all know nothing about Justice, or INJUSTI- FOOLS!! {keeps rambling and ranting about Justice}

Trowa: {sighs and shakes his head} Can we go to a commercial, please?

********************************

Trowa: Hopefully our next guest will be more...okay, here is...Quatre Raberba Winner. The blond, rich arab boy.

{Quatre walks out on stage and lies down on the futon bed}

Trowa: Hi Quatre.

Quatre: Greetings, Trowa.

Trowa: Quatre, why are you on the show? What is your problem?

Quatre: I can sense anger in your voice. Frustration-

Trowa: Quatre, answer the question!

Quatre: Lots of frustration! Friend Trowa, would you like an anger crystal?

Trowa: Boy, answer the dang question!

Quatre: I won't take kindly to people who talk to me in _that _tone of voice.

Trowa: Now I see your problem. Have you been around someone stupid lately?

Quatre: ...Does Duo count?

Trowa: How about someone frustratingly annoying at some times?

Quatre: ...Duo?

Trowa: How about someone who keeps telling you Omae o korosu all the time? Huh? It has to be someone different!

Quatre: ...what does that mean?

Trowa: I will kill you!

Quatre: You will? But Trowa...why?

Trowa: It's only a question! God! Who keeps telling you-

Quatre: {gasps} I can't breathe! {falls back on the bed}

Trowa: {shakes his head} How about a commercial break?

****************************** 

Trowa: Alright! Sane people here! I need sane people! *sighs* Okay...let's welcome out someone...who could be insane...that's why we have- {A flashy ad pops up on the screen}  
_TROWA'S MENTAL LINE  
Call now! If you're mental! 1-800-DR TROWA  
Trowa says, CALL! _

Trowa: Alright...Here's Duo Maxwell, the braid boy.

{Duo walks out and lies down on the futon bed}

Trowa: Duo-

Duo: Trowa! How are ya?

Trowa: The question is...how are you? You seem to be acting a little insane and mental?

Duo: Actually, I was enjoying a nice salad backstage and-

Trowa: Are you trying to say you're...bloated?

Duo: What?! {jumps up} ...I'm not...NO!!!!

Trowa: ...What- is your problem, Duo?

Duo: *sighs* ...never mind. So what did you want to ask me?

Trowa: How are you feeling?

Duo: Okay.

Trowa: Nothing I should know about?

Duo: No!

Trowa: {grins} YES! Finally a sane fool! We'll be back after-

Duo: What? I come all the way here to your mental show for the mental people and I get nothing! I demand an extra few hundred minutes! {starts strangling Trowa}

Trowa: {gasps} HELP!

Duo: I AM A STAR!!! THE GREAT SHINIGAMI HAS SPOKEN!!!

Trowa: Mad man! Mad man! MAD, STUPID, INSANE MAN!!! ROLL IT! ROLL THE DANG COMMERCIAL!! ROLL THE DANG COMMERCIAL!!!!

*******************************

Trowa: {has a cast on} Alright...the last person of the day...Please welcome, and brace yourselves...Heero Yuy.

{Heero walks out and sits on the bed} Heero: ...I have a problem.

Trowa: We know!

Heero: I kill everyone in my path!

Trowa: We know!

Heero: I can't help it.

Trowa: WE KNOW, DANG IT! NOW SHUT UP!!! That's why we'll prevent it! Boys, strap him down!

{Leather belts come from each side of the bed and straps Heero down}

Trowa: Heero? Oh Heero! Take this! {clears his throat} You like Relena, don't you?

Heero: {grumbles} OMAE O-

Trowa: One second! {clears throat} ...Omae-

Heero: DIE!

Trowa: o-

Heero: DIE!!

Trowa: korosu-

Heero: DIE BARTON!! {breaks free from the leather straps and holds a knife to Trowa's neck} Don't make me do this! Omae o korosu! {charges at Trowa}

Trowa: {gasps} Help!

***************#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_**********************

{Zechs stumbles on to stage and looks at the camera}

Zechs: ...Uh, hello? ...Is this thing on? ...Oh right! Uh, Trowa Barton could not be with us at this moment. He is in the hospital recovering from his...well. He's just not here. But...please take a moment to remember Trowa Barton for his pants...His pants. The pants that were grafted into his legs. Those tight annoying pants...And if you want to remember Trowa...review this fic. If you do not want to remember Trowa...review this fic anyway. Tell us how you like it. Tell us how you like Trowa hosting it...otherwise, tell us something! You pitiful fools, I'm getting bored! And I need to go for a potty break, so BYE! 

{runs off to the bathroom}

**** ^_~ **** 


	2. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Thanks to encouragement, I decided to continue my- Trowa- Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions...hey I'm a little mental m'self! Do I need to be on the show?

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Episode #2

{Trowa has finally recovered from the sore injuries of Heero's knife. He is back on the show—hosting it, and helping those who need it. Since you are an audience member, you can call:  
_DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE!  
Call 1-800-DR TROWA  
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!  
Because if it weren't for you, he and his pants'd be unemployed!_

Trowa: Hi...

Audience: HI DR. TROWA.

Trowa: Oh, again with the name calling? ...okay. Last week, we had the pilots on the show. They had some...disorders. Rather disturbing. There was Quatre-- who can't take the fact the world is filled with war! Your average everyday hippie! And Duo-- who believes he is a star! ...well, Heero who has a killing problem. And Wufei-- who just can't shut up about Justice! Oh, well. Please welcome our newest guest-- ...Relena Peacecraft!

{Relena comes out and sits on the futon bed}

Relena: Trowa.

Trowa: Relena. How are you? Not so good, I hear.

Relena: Terrible! Heero is ignoring and neglecting me!

Trowa: ....Anything new?

Relena: Oh...um...he keeps- well I get these notes that say I have a brother. Someone named Milliardo-- and I think it's a funny name. 

Trowa: Lucky for you, we also do a reuniting service! Relena, do you know a Zechs Merquise?

Relena: Why yes. He is with the federation who shot my father dead.

Trowa: Come on out, Zechs!

{Zechs walks out too} Zechs: What's your problem? I was at the middle of a potty break!

Trowa: Relena, meet your brother! Zechs, meet your sister!

Relena and Zechs: {gasps; faints}

Trowa: {Stares at them} ...This can't be good...roll the dang commercial-

Director: Dr. Trowa, shouldn't we call security?

Trowa: If they die, charge it to my bill! Now shut up, and roll the commercial!

********************

Trowa: {flipping through papers} We are...back and this time, hopefully, someone will be on the show. But-...oh, who's this? Oh, a returning guest from last week's show. Please, once again, welcome Quatre Raberba Winner.

{Quatre comes in and sits on the futon bed; drinking tea}

Trowa: Quatre.

Quatre: Trowa. {sips the tea}

Trowa: Quatre, this is the second time. What have I told you about being mental?

Quatre: I'm okay, seriously. {sips more tea}

Trowa: Might we have a witness? Come on out- Rashid!

{Rashid comes out and snatches the tea from Quatre} Rashid: Master Quatre! You already drank tea about 1000 times today...and that's NOT literally! I think you're addicted!

Quatre: Don't be silly, Rashid...n-now, gimme the tea.

Rashid: Master-

Quatre: The tea, NOW Rashid!

Rashid: Quatre! Tea has caffeine in it! You could seriously be harmed-

Quatre: MY TEA!!

Rashid: I won't give you the tea! You drink too much of it already, Master Quatre!

Quatre: {cries; sniffs} ...I don't want to fight you-

Rashid: That's a good boy, Quatre-

Quatre: But I'm afraid I must if I want my TEA!!! {starts lunging at Rashid}

Trowa: {sighs} ...If any of you...are ever having mental problems-- or if there is one who is acting...sort of _mental_ ...feel free to once again call...  
_DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE!  
Call 1-800-DR TROWA  
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!_

Trowa: We'll be back after this! 

*********************

Trowa: Alright. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this...mental setting-people-on-the-right-road thing. So, please welcome- and shield your eyes, clothes, anything valuable-- ...C-C-C- ...NO!!! CATHERINE BLOOM!!!

{Catherine walks out on stage and sits on the futon bed}

Trowa: Get out-

Catherine: Hi Trowa. How are ya?

Trowa: I don't take kindly to siblings, now leave! You for a fact have been mental since Day 1, but I'm not qualified to do this. I should've left during that fight for the useless tea bags!

Catherine: Oh come on, brother! What Ph.D do you have anyway?

Trowa: The only Ph.D I was qualified enough to get!

Catherine: And what's that?

Trowa: ...The Ph.D for failures...

Catherine: {chuckles}

Trowa: Don't laugh! It's true and- get out!

Catherine: But I'm mental!

Trowa: That must be a hobby for you, is it not?

Catherine: Oh, shut up! It's true!

Trowa: You prefer being mental, do you not?

Catherine: Trowa!

Trowa: Alright. Well, maybe not fully mental. But I have to jot down some facts! Now...at what age did you drink toilet water?

Catherine: What?! {jumps up}

Trowa: It happens to any mental person. Now answer the question!

Catherine: I am out of here! {leaves}

Trowa: {grins} ...Roll the commercial.

********************

Trowa: Okay, well. The last few people on the show, were rather insane! But this is a change! A big change! Please welcome out, our last mental person…Treize Kh-…what's his last name. Come on out!

{Treize comes out and sits on the futon bed}

Trowa: Treize, I understand you have a problem?

Treize: Just a slight problem to do with…mental stuff.

Trowa: That's why we're here. {Turns to the camera} And…if there is ever a time you feel alone…you can-

Treize: Get on with it! I'm here to get help!

Trowa: Mr. K, did you know 99% of the time people come on the show, they never get help from me. They either argue, faint or die?

Treize: What?! {jumps up; holds a gun to Trowa's neck} I better get some help now before I SHOOT!!

Trowa: …G-Get the man some help- GET THE MAN SOME DANG HELP!!!

{Guards rush in and strap Treize down}

Trowa: {grins} I am in control. Alright, let me just ask you a few embarrassing questions. Alright.

Treize: What? No!

Trowa: What do you think potty water tastes like?

Treize: N\A

Trowa: …answer the question in words, you baffoon!

Treize: Not…uh…what does that A stand for in that N\A thing?

Trowa: Not applied, or approved or something. Anyhow, next question! …What do you think of dogs?

Treize: They make really good substitutes for turkey on Thanksgiving.

Trowa: {cups his mouth; sighs} Alright…what do you think of…chess?

Treize: It's a bad game. All my pieces go missing. And I find them with a bullet in them.

Trowa: Treize, do you have a shooting problem?

Treize: Why yes.

Trowa: Boys, take his gun! 

{security guards take Treize's gun}

Treize: HEY!!

Trowa: There we go…{turns to the camera again} …If there is ever a time, you feel alone. Feel free to call:  
_DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE  
CALL 1-800-DR TROWA  
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!  
_Trowa: And-

Treize: Gun, fire NOW!

{Treize's gun fires a bullet into the ceiling}

Trowa: What the?

Treize: Ha Ha! My gun is voice controlled by ME! It only recognizes my voice! Gun, fire the guards and Trowa NOW!

{Treize's gun starts chasing Trowa}

Director: …Should we roll the dang commercial? Or end the dang show?

{silence}

Director: Okay.

*****************************

{Wufei stumbles onto stage}

Wufei: Uh…review the story…do it for Trowa…No, he didn't die. He just got shot, no biggie. Stay tuned for a next epsiode of… {flashy ad pops up on the screen}

__

DR. TROWA'S MENTAL SESSIONS!


	3. Dr. Trowa

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Author's Note: This I dedicate to Little Green. Why? Because I love their page!! ^_^ And BTW, Little Green, you really don't have to ask if you want to use my Trowa fics on your page— as in this fic, the previous fics and the next fics to come! Just add them on, it's okay! ^_^ BTW...uh...enjoy?

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Episode # 3

{Trowa is back—and folks, don't worry 'bout it. Trowa can't die. He won't die...I think so. But for the first part of the show, Zechs Merquise is going to take the show and ask Trowa a bunch of questions we've been ALL dying to know! ...Hmm...such as-}

Zechs: What's up with your pants?

{And...}

Zechs: What the hell is wrong with your hair?

{...Oh, and we can't forget-}

Trowa: Zechs, shut up! One question at a time! Now.

Zechs: Okay. We want to know about your pants!

Trowa: These pants were custom made!

Zechs: And?

Trowa: And what?

Zechs: What do you mean 'And what?' why are your pants sooooooooooooo tight!!??! Tell us, boy! Don't keep the audience waiting!

Trowa: These pants are my fave colour! My TRUE favourite colour.

Zechs: Violet?

Trowa: Purple!

Zechs: Same thing, you fool!

Trowa: Violet has a dark appearance and we all hate that, Purple is cool, light and bouncy for a matter of fact!

Zechs: What?

Trowa: A nursery rhyme...

Zechs: ...So, Trowa. Tell us more about this purple pant accident-

Trowa: Accident?

Zechs: Sure! Anyone who wears purple tight pants in public-- it must be an accident.

Trowa: Well...

Zechs: ...Oh, don't tell me purple, light and tight is your style!! NO!!

Trowa: I like my pants!

Zechs: *snorts*

Trowa: I LOVE MY PANTS!!

Zechs: Are you engaged with your pants too?

Trowa: Who...?

Zechs: Married? Or are they just too hideous?

Trowa: {jumps up} NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY PANTS THAT WAY!!! {lunges at Zechs}

Director: {watches them fight} ...huh? oh a commercial? But it's just getting good! I-

*********************

{TROWA IS BACK!!}

Trowa: *sighs* Alright, welcome to the real show of Dr. Trowa's mental Sessions. Believe me. Zechs Merquise, that idiot of a man, was a mistake-- him dropping by! Now, please welcome...Zechs Merquise! ...Who the hell?! NO!!!

{Zechs walks our putting on lip gloss and wearing a large fur coat}

Trowa: Beat it, you complete fool!

Zechs: But my fans-- they need me!

Trowa: Have you a single clue what this show is called?! Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions! MY mental sessions! I'M Dr. Trowa!!

Zechs: But the fans-

Trowa: Ladies, gentlemen, sane boys, sane girls, gundam pilots and 'it's'...this is a perfect example of an mental man! ...Let's give him a round of applause!

{audience cheers}

Zechs: *sniffs* My fans...

Trowa: Now, bag him! Make sure he's never seen again!

{security comes in a puts a bag over Zechs and they take him away}

Trowa: Okay, we have only a short amount of time before the next commercial, so...let's welcome out some advisors. Some people here to tell you about something very important. Please welcome...Wufei...here to show you his justice march. Roll- wait. Why the hell is Wufei here anyway? I told you we have a short amount of time left! Wufei's gonna be babbling on for hours- days! -Months! YEARS!!! DECADES!! In other words, for a VERY LONG TIME!!!

{Wufei comes out and starts marching and singing to the tune of any tune you can fit it in!}

Wufei: Justice is around right now in many different ways!  
And if you're not strong enough you'll have to die these days!  
Justice is a world that has strong men, and so on!  
...We will never except a bunch of very weak onnas!

JU-STICE!  
The world is mine!  
JU-STICE!  
I'll rule it sometime!  
JU-STICE!  
You're all meant to die!  
'Cause Wu-man owns this town, this world! The colony shall be mine!  
JU-STICE!  
You heard me I said, JU-STICE!  
...JUSTICE!

Trowa: ...let's just take a break to dry off from the heavy rain of shame.

**********************

Trowa: I really hope this person is 1% insane. I can't handle anymore babbling about Justice!!!!! Argh! Hey did you know, insane people do the most stupidest things? Let's bring out one of our REAL insane people...please welcome back...Heero Yuy.

{Heero comes out and sits on the futon bed} 

Trowa: Heero, do you still have a problem?

Heero: What do you think? Relena is stalking me! It's making me insane! I could kill at any moment.

Trowa: Let's cage you up, shall we? Security!

{Wufei marches out and starts to speak}

Trowa: *gawks* YOU are my security? Alright, then POLICE-

Wufei: No, you don't understand! I'm... a JUSTICE RANGER! {turns to the camera} To become a justice ranger call: 1-800-WUFEI ROCKS. That's 1-800-WUFEI ROCKS. ...thank you. {leaves}

Trowa: ...uh...Heero, back to your problem?

Heero: I need help, Trowa! Don't you insure HELP on this show?

Trowa: ...why no.

Heero: Then omae o korosu! Brace yourself, and run!

Trowa: JUSTICE RANGER!

{Wufei pops in as his theme song starts playing. JUSTICE!}

Wufei: Show me the injustice man!

Trowa: I only say this when I am desperate...but it's him! {points to Heero} Naturally, I'd handle this myself, but...you know...

Wufei: Heero, did you know that justice was first heard of by MY ancestors?

Heero: NO! Help me! Wufei shut up!

Wufei: I didn't tell you about how justice was first used!

Heero: OMAE O KOROSU! GET AWAY YOU JUSTICE FREAK! {Runs away}

Wufei: ...Justice freak...I like that name. Can I keep it? {runs after Heero}

Trowa: ...uh...c-c-can we be back after this?

*******************

Trowa: Uh! We are back! This show has been a disaster! Can we please lock up Zechs and Wufei? They're ruining my whole show! My ratings!! Anyhow, I won't even bother. You know who he is. You should. He's everywhere. He's stalking us. Please welcome, Duo Maxwell!

{Duo comes out and sits on the futon bed}

Trowa: Duo-

Duo: Salutations, Trowa.

Trowa: ...salu- what? I think you are mental!

Duo: No, I'm fine! I'm just taking a different approach at...living today.

Trowa: How's it going?

Duo: TERRIBLE! I met Wufei on the way here and he wouldn't shut up about justice!-

Trowa: Don't say JUSTICE out loud like that!!! The you-know-what freak could pop up any moment! ...So let's get off the topic of that. You...consider yourself to be mental?

Duo: No!

Trowa: Reported sightings talking to a slice of moldy bread...how do you plead?

Duo: Guilty, you moron! GUILTY! I don't know what you're talking about! Bread? Moldy bread? Me? I don't know what you are talking about! -SHUT UP!!! {runs out of the studio}

Trowa: ...I've had it with mental people! ROLL THE COM-

***************

{Trowa walks out on stage}

Trowa: This is the end of the show. But I have had it with mental people!! I will probably not host this show anymore!! ...so I want y'all to vote. What do you think? I should stay with another episode or two of my mental sessions or...should I hand it over to:  
Treize Khu- ...uh...well.  
Mariemeia Khu- ...yeah. That's Treize's daughter, or something.  
Lucretzia Noin  
Relena Peacecraft  
Heero Yuy  
Quatre Raberba Winner  
Duo Maxwell

Or

Me  
Myself  
I  
(in other words, ANYONE but Wufei! Do you want Justice to kill the world?)

What do you think? Review and tell me, and the director!- correction, the director's dead. Wufei's justice babble annoyed him to death. Uh, we will be getting a new director soon, though! *sighs* SEE WUFEI!! YOUR STUPID JUSTICE TALK KILLED MY DIRECTOR! I'LL SUE! I'LL SUE! I'LL SEND HEERO AFTER YOU! I'LL...I'll shut up now. See you all later! In the next episode, you'll see who'll host it! ...Now where's my tea? {walks off stage}

********************** 


	4. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Well here's what you asked for! Who gets to keep "Dr. _______'s Mental Sessions"? Who? Here are the auditions! Enjoy! ^_~

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Auditions

{Trowa is holding a clipboard and looks to be…happy. He looks up and smiles} Trowa: HI EVERYONE!

Audience: *silence*

Trowa: Oh, the only day when I'm being nice, you guys have to get all up in my face! Well WHO CARES ABOUT YOU ANYWAY!!!

Audience: YAY, TROWA!

Trowa: You should know why I'm happy. This is the day I decide who should take over my show! And we had some rather good responses. About 10 or so of them. Here's just a selected handful. *ahem* "am" says:  
_I VOTE FOR......???????.....WAIT A MINUTE......?????...TROWA!!!!!! YEP I WANT HIM TO HOST!!!!!!!I'M ALSO SORT OF MENTAL...MOST WHEN I DO MY FICS AT HOME!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA PS PUT WUFEI BACK IN CUZ THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!_

Trowa: …Wufei? Oh heck no! Do you want him to kill me?

Audience: YEAH!!!

Trowa: The audience's job is to shut up, so do so!

Audience: *silence*

Trowa: Next, "Cat Missiga" says:  
_*I* think that ~2~ people should host the show. In other words, Trowa and a CO-HOST. May I suggest Mariemaya Khushrenada? I think THAT would be funny. I mean the two Bartons working together trying to make sense of insane people? that would be so cool_

Trowa: …do you want me to get brutally killed? Unless a lot of people insist I stay, I'll stay. {turns to the camera} But…if you really want your beloved Trowa to live…just call-

Audience: SHUT UP!

Trowa: Uh, next! "^_^" says:  
_rofl! keep trowa! it just wouldn't be the same if he left!_

Trowa: Why thank you- wait! WAIT A SECOND!!! THE MORE YOU SAY IT, THE MORE VOTES FOR ME!- NOO!!!! From now on, don't mention my name! Anyhow, next "Sword_Master" says:  
_Have Trowa continue his mental sessions. It is much funnier to see him get pissed off (and we dont see much of that, now do we?_

Trowa: …you want me to get ticked off?! THAT'S NOT FUNNY…MAN!! WHEN I SEE WUFEI, I GET TICKED OFF! WHEN I TALK TO WUFEI, I GET TICKED OFF! WHEN I SMELL WUFEI'S UTTERLY DISGUSTING STENCH OF JUSTICE, I GET TICKED OFF!!! …But believe me, it's not pretty! …anyhow, next "Steve" says:  
_Have Trowa host it some more, this is pretty funny, so were the others, either Trowa or Duo _

Trowa: Duo? You are mixing me up with hell here! HELLO! Can someone save me? I'm not properly employed! My gundam left me for a homeless bum, how do you think I feel? *sniffs* Anyhow, next "I dunno" says:  
_Very Very funny! I loved it, WUFEI SHOULD HOST IT I DUN CARE THAT HE'S NOT ON THE LIST, JUSTICE!!!_

Trowa: Read my lips! NO MORE WUFEI! CHANT WITH ME HERE! NO MORE WUFEI! NO MORE WUFEI!…

Audience: *silence*

Trowa: …uh, next "Dr. C" says:  
_have heero host the show, and if u want ill be ur director._

Trowa: …Now listen to me, boy. Yes you. …Heero…needs…help. I need proper help. You see a difference. Heero is insane and needs help from an insured man! I need help, because Wufei and his "Justice" talk killed my director…next "Shinimegami Winner" says:  
_"Cuz the eyes of the ranger are upon you..." oh, sorry, ahem... I just couldn't help myself... This was sooo frickin' funny! I loved the Justice ranger stuff... poor Trowa, I can understand why he'd want to leave. Okay, on with the vote, I vote for Duo!!! That would be so hilarious... Heero'd be funny too... yeah, either one of them! Well, that's my opinion, get out the next part soon. Ciao!_

Trowa: Duo! Yes! At least it's not me! Let's just indulge in this moment……………………alright! Next, "CLS" says:  
_Oooh, Let Heero run the show, pleese_

Trowa: …Heero? Excuse me? …am I hearing properly? Can I hear? …let's just move on. Next and last, "~*~Lucky~*~" says:  
_Lucritzia Noin! She ROX! And she's not insane_

Trowa: There's a sane onna for you…alright. Let's tally up the votes, highest gets to compete for my job and a co-host! The results of the vote are…after this break!

**************************

Trowa: Here are the results!

Heero - 3  
Trowa - 6  
Mariemeia - 1   
Wufei - 1  
Duo - 2  
L. Noin - 1

Trowa: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I SHOULD STILL CONTINUE THIS?!

Director: People voted, sir!

Trowa: And my co-host is Heero? NO!

Director: Actually, Heero's your advisor and…

Trowa: And what?

Director: Wufei-

Trowa: NO!!!!!!! ANYONE BUT WUFEI! HE CAN'T BE MY-

Director: Co-host is-

Trowa: No…

Wufei: {barges in} I'm ready to sing my new song!

Trowa: …new…song?

Wufei: Listen closely-

Trowa: COMMERCIAL!

**************************

Trowa: I think we're safe!

Wufei: Not quite!

Trowa: Help…  
  
(To any tune you can fit it in!)  
Wufei: J-J-J-Justice! J-J-J-Justice! Justice is Wufei!  
It's the new world order!  
Gotta obey me now!  
'Cause Wufei owns the colony!  
Can't escape anyhow!

Once I get that Mental job  
On Trowa's stupid show  
I'll rule the world, I'll rule it all!  
Wufei will never fall!

JUSTICE!  
Is Wufei!  
OBEY!  
Wufei!  
JUSTICE!  
What rhymes with Wufei? Tray? Play? May? Yay?!  
Unless. You. Obey…….  
Wufei!

Audience: GO WUFEI!

Trowa: No! You're getting the chant wrong! It's NO MORE WUFEI!

Audience: *silence*

Wufei: So, did I get the job as a co-host?

Trowa: *sighs* yes-

Director: No!

Trowa: *grins* There's my ol' man!

Director: It's-

Trowa: Not yet! After the commercial!

**********************

Trowa: So who is it?

Director: Duo-

Trowa: …Wufei would've been a better choice.

Director: But Wufei hasn't had the training that Duo has! Duo learned to be boring, in control and solemn just like you, sir!

Trowa: …Y-I-P-E-E…

Duo: *walks in and sighs* …hi.

Director: You see? Now all you have to do is test him!

Trowa: We'll be back after this.

Director: But we just had a commercial break!

Trowa: Hum for awhile and press the dang button!

Director: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *gasps for air* mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-

Trowa: Alright! I hear the commercial now!

Director: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-

Trowa: You can shut up now!!!!!!

*******************

Trowa: Alright, I'm back! And I'm with Duo. The new co-host. Luckily, he's not mental. Unluckily…I'm still stuck doing this stupid job! Oh well! Now, Duo. Present the new guest while I just step back.

Duo: Alright! Please welcome out next guest, Mariemeia Khushrenada-

Trowa: You said her last name!

Duo: Yes…

Trowa: It's a miracle!

Duo: *looks at Trowa* …alright. Should I pick a different guest?

Trowa: Yeah, from the list.

Duo: Alright! Please welcome…tea boy!

Trowa: Tea boy?

{Quatre comes out in a large fur coat and sits on the futon bed}

Quatre: I'm a star!

Trowa: That's true mentality! Now…go for it!

Duo: *sighs* Quatre, how do you feel?

Quatre: Like a star!

Duo: Do you have insurance?

Quatre: Star insurance!

Duo: Do you have a signature?

Quatre: Just like a star!

Duo: Okay, sign here! {gives the paper to Quatre}

Quatre: {signs it} Star, baby, yeah!

Duo: Alright. Trowa! Trowa! …Kitchen boy!

Trowa: Yes, Duo?

Duo: Glad you answer to your name, kitchen boy! Mail this! {hands him the letter}

Trowa: …what is this?

Duo: *whispers to Trowa*

Trowa: Oh! Quatre thank you for owning up to it! {runs to the mail box}

Duo: …alright.

Quatre: I'm a star!

Duo: …shut up…we'll be back after this!

***************

Duo: No more, Trowa! This show is mine! Let me present to you… DUO! A TRIBUTE TO DUO!! With performers you'll love! Like…WUFEI!

Audience: YAY!!!

Duo: WUFEI!!

Audience: YAY!!!

Duo: WUFEI!!

Audience: YAY!!!

Duo: And…HEERO!!

Audience: *silence*

Duo: Did I mention…WUFEI?

Audience: YAY!!!!!!

Duo: Alright shut up. Let's bring out…Wufei!

{Wufei comes out and starts marching and singing weakly and tiredly- To the tune of any tune you can fit it in}  
Wufei: …Justice is nothing without our loved Shinigami  
We'd all be dead! Heck! We'll be chopped into salami!  
So except it now, Wufei is not the man!  
Praise Duo, he's a god, he's our secondhand!  
  
DU-O!  
The world is not mine!  
DU-O!  
Not gonna rule it sometime!  
DU-O!  
We're all meant to die!  
'Cause Shinigami's all in charge, the colony is not mine!  
DU-O!  
Duo is the justice!  
…DUO!

{runs off stage}

Duo: Wonderful! Now please welcome…Heero!

{Heero comes out with a gun and starts to speak}  
Heero: Omae o korosu…no…Shinigami will already do that…thank you. {leaves}

Duo: …anybody up for more Wufei?!

Audience: YAY!!!

Duo: Come on out…Wufei!

{Wufei comes out again}  
Wufei: Leave me alone! {leaves}

Duo: ...maybe we should end the show?

Director: Before Trowa comes back! He's gonna be ticked!

Duo: Right! G'night everybody! I'll see you all next time!

***********************

DUO'S CAMPAIGN  
Do you want Duo in charge?  
Call the number on your screen, 1-800-VOTE DR DUO

Trowa: MAXWELL!!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!! {charges after Duo}

***

Review please?


	5. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: This is episode 4, after the auditions. If you are asking, why Duo is the co-host, it's because...we love seeing Trowa get ticked off, don't we? Of course we do! So enjoy! ^_~ (Includes a special interview premiere!)

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions (with your co-host, Dr. Duo)  
Episode # 4

{Trowa is lazily sitting down in his chair, still holding his clipboard and pencil} Trowa: ...hi.

Audience: WHERE'S DR. DUO?!!

Trowa: {grumbles} This is still my show, you morons!! ...anyhow, if you all want to know why I'm depressed, I'll tell you-

Audience: DUO!!!

{Duo comes parading out, as the whole audience cheers. He sits down in the chair beside Trowa} Duo: ...hey Trowa.

Trowa: ...that's reason number one. Next reason, is...before we get to any mental people on the show...we have...someone on the show...premiering their new series...'Justice Ranger', which we were _forced_ to air...guess who it is?

Audience: WUFEI!!!

Trowa: Yes...it is.

Duo: You seem depressed, Trowa. 

Trowa: ...are you deaf, or were you just numb throughout this whole discussion with the fans and me?

Duo: ...oh, no. Okay, well. Come on out...Wufei.

{Wufei walks out as the audience cheers} Wufei: Hi Trowa, Duo.

Trowa: Go away-

Duo: Be nice! Okay, Wufei. You have a new _hit_ series out?

Wufei: Why yes. It's Justice Ranger and it's _da bomb_ in cardboard houses all across...uh...some places... In other words, they love it! Just hear what some of the fans have to say! Go ahead, fans!

{A screen pops up as 3 people step up to speak} Person #1: Justice Ranger is the worst show in the world! It killed my little brother while he glanced at Wufei's hideous head shape!

Person #2: The plot is pathetic and no one would waste their time watching a 3.5 second show with a guy who dresses like a chef, yet can't even use a knife properly!

Person #3: Crap!

{screen fades away}

Trowa: ...my people...yes, uh, well...Wufei...it seems like they really love your show!

Duo: Yeah, I just can't...wait to see it.

Wufei: They insulted justice!!!! HOW DARE THEY!!!

Duo: Let's just premiere the...3.5 second show that everybody hated- loved...yeah.

{Wufei glares at Duo as the screen starts showing Justice Ranger}

__

{Theme song starts playing}  
Justice is around right now in many different ways!  
And if you're not strong enough you'll have to die these days!  
Justice is a world that has strong men and so on  
We will never except a bunch of very weak onnas!

JUSTICE!  
The world is mine!  
JUSTICE!  
Gonna rule it sometime!  
JUSTICE!  
You're all meant to die!  
'Cause Wu-man's gonna own this town, the colony shall be mine!  
JUSTICE!  
...You heard me I said, JUSTICE!  
JUSTICE!

Narrator: EPISODE 1...THE MEADOW...

{show begins on a lovely meadow while two kids are jumping and sprinting through flower fields; Wufei unexpectedly jumps down}

Kid #1: Oh no! It's-

Kid #2: Justice Ranger!

Both kids: AAAAHH!!!! {start running in slow, slow, slow motion}

Wufei: {very, very, very slowly} Juuuuuuuuuussssssssttttttttiiiiiiiiccccccceeeeee! {normal speed} JUSTICE!

{Kids fall down dead}

Wufei: {smirks at the camera}

{credits start playing}  
Producer: Wufei Chang

Director: Wufei Chang

Anything else: Wufei Chang

Thanks to: Wufei Chang

Special thanks to: Wufei Chang

(c) 2000 ...guess who?!  
Wufei Chang

THE END!

{video stops playing and screen fades away}

Trowa: ...that sucked.

Duo: Yes it did.

{Wufei leaves}

Duo: Too bad we're gonna have to air an episode every show!!!

Trowa: And you'll be there to see it, I won't!

Director: Apparently, Trowa, you will too. Your vacation isn't until 5 years and 27 months!

Trowa: ...roll the dang commercial...

************************ 

Duo: Welcome back! Trowa will not be here for this segment of the show, so I'll be hosting for now. Alright, we're actually gonna get straight to the mental people. Here is…Lucretzia Noin, one of the people who are luckily not 100% mental.

{Noin walks out and sits on the futon bed}

Duo: …I'm sensing anger here…

Lucretzia: {brings out rifle and starts shooting people from the audience}

Duo: …now we only have 69 people as a studio audience. No biggie.

Lucretzia: {shoots someone else}

Duo: …make that 68…okay. What seems to be the problem?

Lucretzia: …Zechs.

Duo: …okay, can we expand that a little bit…more?

Lucretzia: I just figured out what a moron he is.

Duo: Ah! Progress!

Lucretzia: I can shoot you dead, too, if you don't shut up about this happy perspective of yours!

Duo: …You're dealing with Shinigami here, if you didn't know that. You either shut up…or I continue.

Lucretzia: {sweat-drops}

Duo: Just to let y'all know, I'm not pathetic!

Audience: WHOA!!!

Duo: Okay, next question. If you had to chose between shooting Zechs or me, who would it be and why?

Luctrezia: I'd shoot both at the same time. Why? Because you are getting annoying, and Zechs is a moron.

Duo: …a-…I don't know If I'd consider this 'progress'.

Lucretzia: {grumbles}

Duo: Roll the commercial!

*************

Trowa: I'm freshened! Ready to control another insane person. Alright! Please welcome…again…for hopefully the last time…Quatre Raberba Winner.

{Quatre sits down on the futon bed; he has a black eye}

Trowa: Ah! I see you have a black eye. Fighting against your free will again? {snickers}

Audience: Ooooooh…

Quatre: No.

Trowa: Oh…then what happened?

Quatre: Rashid told me I had a tea problem.

Trowa: So he punched you?

Quatre: No.

Trowa: Oh-

Quatre: I punched myself.

Trowa: {stares at Quatre} …you really didn't have to do that. Hire Heero, he'll do more than a good job.

Quatre: No, you don't understand. Tea is my pride and joy. And if I can't have it… {voice gets darker and angrier} …no one can. {sighs} But I don't want to fight anyone.

Trowa: Too bad, sonny! What do you think 'Gundam Wing' is about?! Sitting down and having tea with rag dolls?! No! It's about fighting! Blood shed and mobile suits, duking it out over the colony and federations! It's about dying, guts, and organs around the world! It's about putting the world in danger! It's-

Quatre: {cups his mouths; runs backstage. Barfing noises could be heard}

Trowa: …T.M.I. Too much information…we'll be back, with Duo, after this.

***********

Duo: I'm cursed. Besides being Shinigami, having my family and all loved ones killed, my Gundam massacred, my hair braided- which happens to be very pleasant, knowing Heero and Wufei, everyone running and hiding from me because I am Shinigami, not believing in God, {gasps for air} …yes. I am cursed. I have to introduce…{whispers} _Relena…Peacecraft._

Audience: {gasps}

Duo: Let's get this over with…Relena, come on out…

{Relena comes out in a big puffy dress that says 'HEERO YUY' everywhere} Relena: You like my dress?

Duo: No.

Relena: {scoffs and sits down}

Duo: You like Heero, right?

Relena: …you could put it that way.

Duo: {grins; faces the audience and clasps his hands together evilly} Oh the possibilities…Please welcome, a guest who shouldn't be here, but just is…Heero Yuy.

{Heero stumbles on stage and gasps} Heero: Relena!

Relena: Heero!!

Heero: {points the gun at Duo} Die Maxwell. For bringing me out here while this…thing is here with me! You will die for this Maxwell.

Duo: Oh, well even if I do, the memories of you being on stage with Relena will still be floating around somewhere in your mind…won't it?

Heero: AAARRRGGGHH!!! {charges at Duo} DIE! MAXWELL! DIE!

***********

Trowa: {in the background, chairs being thrown and gunshots could be heard} …sorry. Duo could not be here with us right now. But instead…I will end the show. _Arigatou_ for watching. _Sayonara!_ {leaves}

***

Please review!

The next part will be out soon, with another _exciting_ episode of…  
THE JUSTICE RANGER!  
(a.k.a. Crap that must be played on the show.) 


	6. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Well, I'm glad you guys all enjoyed Justice Ranger a.k.a. Crap that must be played on the show, because…we're showing another episode today! And some of you just couldn't get enough of it! ^_^ Enjoy!

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions (With your co-host, Duo!)  
Episode #5

{Trowa and Duo are sitting down on separate comfortable chairs and are relaxing, until the cameras zoom up to their faces.}

Trowa: Will you get that dang thing out of my face?

Director: Sorry, sir. {zooms out}

Duo: Okay welcome. As you know, last week, we had Wufei premiering his Justice Ranger show-

Trowa: -which sucked.

Duo: {glares at Trowa}

Trowa: …what did I say something right?

Duo: *sighs* So…we'll be showing another stupid episode…today.

Trowa: Otherwise, known as right now! HIDE!!

Duo: Alright, well…here is…Justice Ranger.

__

{screen pops up as theme song starts playing}  
Justice is around right now in many different ways!  
And if you're not strong enough you'll have to die these days!  
Justice is a world that has strong men and so on!  
We will never accept a bunch of very weak onnas!

JUSTICE!  
The world is mine!  
JUSTICE!  
Gonna rule it sometime!  
JUSTICE!  
You're all meant to die!  
'Cause Wu-man's gonna own this town, the colony shall be mine!  
JUSTICE!  
…you heard me I said, Justice!  
JUSTICE!

Narrator: EPISODE 2…THE BREAK-IN…

{shows starts as Wufei is in this headquarters-- The Justice Headquarters!}

Dr. Justice: Wufei, do you have the justice in you to complete this justice task?

Wufei: Why yes, Dr. Justice, my advisor and boss! How does…'Juuuuuustice!' sound? Or maybe 'J-U-S-T-I-C-E!'?

Dr. Justice: Try whichever will work! Now go to our arch enemy's HQ, Dr. Injustice's HQ. And hurry!

Wufei: Right! {starts leaving}

Dr. Justice: And Wufei…

Qufei: Yes, Dr. Justice?

Dr. Justice: …may justice be with you!

Wufei: {nods then leaves}

{Wufei arrives at the guarded gateway where 5 guards guard the gate}

Guard 1: Hey-

Guard 2: You!-

Guard 3: You can't-

Guard 4: Be in-

Guard 5: Here! So-

All guards: LEAVE!

Wufei: {smirks} *ahem* J-J-J-J-Justice!

{guards fall dead}

Wufei: {runs inside the gate as lasers and alarms get set off; smirks at the camera}

THE END OF PART 1

Credits  
Director: Wufei Chang

Producer: Wufei Chang

Anything else: Wufei Chang

Thanks to: Wufei Chang

Special Thanks to: Wufei Chang

© 2000 …guess who?!  
Wufei Chang

{screen fades away as show credits stop playing}

Trowa: Tha-

Duo: Save your breath, Trowa… *ahem* That sucked.

Trowa: Yes it did. After the commercial…it's Duo's shift, I get a break. 

Director: …

Trowa: …commercial?

Director: Rolling!

*********

Duo: Alright, we're back again from that stupid show, Justice Ranger, and we have all hopefully recovered. Today ...surprise, surprise, we're actually gonna _help_ the mental people, starting with...Mariemeia Khushrenada!

Audience: *gasps* You said her last name!

Duo: *sweat-drops*

{Mariemeia comes out and sits politely on the futon bed} Mariemeia: Are you with OZ?

Duo: ...I see you've got a problem?

Mariemeia: I don't take kindly to others lacking in OZ.

Duo: List them all and we'll deal with them individually.

Mariemeia: ...what are you talking about? {brings out a gun and is about ready to shoot Duo's head} My daddy brought me here. {shoots}

Duo: {moves his head} Why would that be?

Mariemeia: Says that I'm killing the world's population! {shoots again}

Duo: ...let's talk.

Mariemeia: {grumbles}

Duo: So...let's move on. You've got the same problem as your dad.

Mariemeia: It runs in the family.

Duo: ...you are aware that's a bad thing, right? That's why we're going to assist you. You're in luck. Once you've had _Dr. Duo's Treatment_ you'll never go back to your same old problem. {grins at the camera; teeth sparkle}

Mariemeia: Yeah, right. It'll never work!

{later...Duo straps Mariemeia to the wheel of problems}

Mariemeia: Get me DOWN!!!

Duo: Just wait! May we have Trowa on stage to spin the wheel?

Trowa: {from backstage} NO!

Duo: ...alright, I'll do it! {spins the wheel as Mariemeia goes spinning}

Mariemeia: I'm gonna hurl! 

Duo: Hang tight! Just a little longer! ...alright...and...stop- {stops the wheel suddenly}

Mariemeia: {goes swinging off the wheel; yelling back} MY DADDY WILL SUE!!!

Duo: ...Trowa's up next. Maybe he'll have better luck!

************

Trowa: I'm always stuck with this guy! When you're ready, once again please welcome...Heero Yuy.

{Heero dashes into the room and sits down}

Trowa: Heero, listen to me. After this session, you will learn something, control your temper, laugh, smile and get out of here _sane_! You understand?

Heero: ...

Trowa: ...alright. Question 1, how long ago have you been going to a therapist?

Heero: ... 

Trowa: ...I'll consider this as progress. But next time, a peep must come out of ya to get a good passing grade. Only those who are declared sane will not be contestants on this show.

Heero: ...it's Relena.

Trowa: SUCCESS!! You spoke!

Heero: She's...practically stalking me! I turn around there she is, if not, a letter or picture is! Just read this, Dr. Trowa. {hands him the letter}

Trowa: {reads it} _...My beloved Heero..._ {snickers} Uh..._I know you're avoiding me...but please don't. I want to talk to you. Relena._ ...that sucked.

Heero: I know.

Trowa: I'm not fit to solve this. Solve your own problems, brother! Now beat it! {kicks him out} ...I need to retire, and I need to retire now! I dread this job!

Duo: {comes out} Should we order last minute entertainment?

Trowa: Do you suggest...

Duo and Trowa: WUFEI?!

{Wufei marches out} Wufei: This one's an ooooold classic! {to the tune of any tune you can fit it in}

__

Let me tell you about my family tree!  
First there's me, the Justice boy, you see!  
I was born in Justice!  
Was raised in Justice!  
Was taught nothing but Justice!  
I don't even know how to count to 10-

'Cause I'm a Justice boy! A Justice boy!  
More powerful than Shinigami!

Duo: Take that back!

Wufei: Let me finish!  
_A justice boy! A justice boy!  
And you people should fear me!_

I'm not a fool although you might think so!  
Oh well!

'cause I'm a justice boy! A justice boy!  
More powerful than yagami!  
'cause I'm a justice boy! A justice boy!  
And this is my justice land! Yeah, this is my justice land! YEAH!

Trowa: ...that sucked.

Wufei: It's a classic.

Duo: ...commercial.

*************

Duo: I think this is the last part of the show before we end it. {turns to the camera} I'd like to welcome once again…Wu…wu…wu…

Director: Say the name!

Duo: But it's…Wu…wu…wu…

Wufei: {comes out and starts singing} _Say my name, Say my name! When no one is around you…say my name, say my name! Say Wufei! Say Wufei!_

Duo: Omae o korosu…

Wufei: All killing and no play makes Duo a dull, stupid, pathetic…onna.

Duo: ONNA?!

Wufei: You heard me…onna. And I'll say it again, ONNA! Hey, Onna maid! Fetch the tea! …oh wait. Quatre's got it. Okay, well ONNA-

Duo: {brings out a remote control and presses a button; back wall breaks down revealing Deathscythe Hell} You're gonna wish you never said that!

Wufei: {stares at Deathscythe Hell} I'm wishing, I'm wishing, I'm wishing, I'm wishing, I'm wishing dang it!! Make this a dream!

Duo: {scoffs; hops in Gundam} Fine, it's a dream.

Wufei: Thank god…

Duo: Which god would that be? {grins}

Wufei: God, who else.

Duo: {grumbles} You dare not worship Shinigami?! Then you will die anyhow! {begins to slash Wufei}

Wufei: {runs for cover}

Trowa: {walks on stage} …goodbye, and see you all next time.

***************

So how'd you like it? Review, please! …oh yeah…and stay tuned for another _bodacious_ episode of…

Justice Ranger!!!  
a.k.a. Rotten luck man! 


	7. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Welcome back! Glad you're attending another exciting episode of…Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions! …what? You thought it was Justice Ranger?! I wish! …actually, no I don't! Justice Ranger is included (darn it!) so just, enjoy! ^_~

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Episode #6

{Trowa is lazily sitting down on his chair, while Duo walks in} Duo: …it's Justice Ranger, isn't it?

Trowa: Worse.

Duo: …that's verbally, mentally and physically…impossible! Justice Ranger is as worse as it gets!

Trowa: No, worse.

Duo: …you seem like a big heap of a loss of words this afternoon.

Trowa: Worse…

Duo: Tell me what it is, already!

Trowa: …I've been working on this show…for- what is it? 6 episodes now…and I haven't gotten paid yet…

Duo: Oh yeah, some big problem!-

Trowa: The director's said I might have to go through another auditioning session!

Duo: And replace me?

Trowa: It seems that way.

Duo: …joy. {grins} Let's take a look at Justice Ranger.

Trowa: …wow. It seems like you actually want to watch it this time.

Duo: No, after is a commercial, and it's my break. So…here it is. Part 2 of the break-in, that…crappy…crappy…episode.

__

{screen pops up and theme begins}  
Justice is around right now in many different ways!  
And if you're not strong enough you'll have to die these days!  
Justice is a world that has strong men and so on!  
We will never accept a bunch of very weak onnas!

JUSTICE!  
The world is mine!  
JUSTICE!  
I'll rule it sometime!  
JUSTICE!  
You're all meant to die!  
'Cause Wu-man's gonna own this town, the colony shall be mine!  
JUSTICE!  
…You heard me I said, JUSTICE!  
JUSTICE!

Narrator: EPISODE 2, PART 2…THE BREAK-IN EXTREME…

{Wufei is inside the gate as soldiers come marching}

Wufei: Ju-

Soldier Commander: Hold it right there, Justice Ranger!

Wufei: No! Ju-

Soldier Commander: Lock 'em up! And his ego, too!

Wufei: JU-

Soldier Commander: Shut 'em up! His words could kill the colony!

Soldier #1: They will!

{Wufei is being shoved into a jail cell; turns around and grins at the camera}

THE END OF PART 2!

Credits  
Director: Wufei Chang

Producer: Wufei Chang

Anything else: Wufei Chang

Thanks to: Wufei Chang

Special Thanks to: Wufei Chang

© 2000…guess who?!  
Wufei Chang

{screen fades away}

Duo: That…sucked.

Trowa: That must be the crappiest episode, of the crappiest show, of the crappiest hour, on the crappiest channel-

Duo: And the crappiest show.

Trowa: {glares at Duo} …that was pure crap.

Duo: Very pure.

Trowa: See through, even!

Duo: Commercial.

*******************

Duo: Okay…lucky me, huh? I get to help a truly mental lady who almost destroyed the world! …please welcome…Lady Une. A first time guest to the show.

{Lady Une walks out and sits on the bed; holding a gun with a very tight grasp}

Duo: …what brings you here today, Une? …Une?…yeah, okay.

Lady Une: It's the world today! And-

Duo: _Une,_ deux, trois…Quatre…Treize…Quinze…

Lady Une: What are you doing?

Duo: Counting…did you know, that on Gundam Wing there are…1,2,3,-4 people who's names have something to do with French numbers? For instance-

Lady Une: Am I here to get help, or do you prefer practicing French all day?

Duo: …which one do you prefer?

Lady Une: {grumbles}

Duo: Alright already! Gettin' down to business…right. Have you…ever…eaten…a donut?

Lady Une: What?

Duo: It's part of research. I seriously need to know. {crosses fingers}

Lady Une: …chocolate tastes pretty good.

Duo: Oh come on! Glazed, man! That's da bomb!

Lady Une: …research?

Duo: …comparisons.

Lady Une: Okay, now ask me something serious.

Duo: …that's…gonna be hard.

Lady Une: {flips up her gun; grumbles}

Duo: …okay! {in a serious tone}…how does…a goldfish…taste?

Lady Une: What?!

Duo: That's as serious as it could get! Other than that…you…could've eaten a corpse!

Lady Une: {storms off stage}

Duo: …I hear the commercials…calling my name!

****************

Trowa: …well. I thought I'd actually get to help a mental person! …well, in this case I am. But it's for Wufei's stupid publicity ads! Please welcome…Wufei… {sighs}

{Wufei comes out happily}

Trowa: {with a happy tone of voice} So Wufei, what have you come to tell us _now_?

Wufei: Well, it's my…uh…new CD!-

Audience: YEAH!!! WUFEI!!!

Trowa: …hold up. …you can sing?

Wufei: Yes, Trowa, my stupid, yet numb friend. What do you think I've been doing all this time on your show?

Trowa: …rapping badly?

Wufei: {ignoring Trowa} Yes, my people! My new CD- {holds it up; it shows Wufei marching while big Justice-y men are walking behind him and the CD is called WUFEI: THE JUSTICE.} Get it now! Out in stores! Best deal on it, 60 cents, man! Quality stuff, right here!

Audience: Ahhh….. {silence}

Wufei: Cheer!!!

Audience: {silence}

Trowa: 'bout time you left Wufei.

Wufei: But my people!!!

Trowa: And you're rotting their brains. Leave 'em be! {shoves Wufei off stage} Well, my time has just been wasted today. Time for a commercial break a little bit earlier than usual!

*****************

Trowa: Welcome… Once again, I grow sick of this show and wish to not host it anymore! Main reason…just guess! JUST GUESS WHO MADE MY CAREER A LIVING HELL?!!!!! JUST GUESS!!!! …

Audience: …Wufei.

Trowa: YES!!!!!

Duo: In other words, Trowa is going mental and needs someone to host the show so he can be a guest star.

Trowa: Maxwell, stay out of this!

Duo: It's true.

Trowa: Bu-

Duo: I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie! I am-

Trowa: About to leave right now!

Duo: Wait! …what was that you were saying about auditions?

Trowa: Ah, yes. Auditions. Someone else, taking my show…someone ELSE! See that word? ELSE!! In which meaning, NOT ME!! SO STOP VOTING!!!!

Duo: …in other words, if Trowa remains the host-- they'll have to replace me.

Audience: NO!!!! DUO!!!!

Duo: …they must love me more than Wufei.

Audience: {silence}

Duo: …okay fine! Don't answer me!

Trowa: Let me explain this clearly. Next audition, we will have a vote and real auditions. First off, you vote for whom you wish to be a co-host or a host-

Duo: And let the director screw it up again!

Trowa: What?

Duo: Heero was supposed to be your co-host, not me.

Trowa: …oh…anyhow. Vote from this list.  
Mariemeia Khusrenada  
Lucretzia Noin  
Quatre Raberba Winner  
Heero Yuy  
Wufei Chang  
Lady Une  
Treize Khushrenada

Or

Not Me  
Not myself  
And definitely NOT I.

Trowa: …Yes, if you must ask, Wufei is on the list. His "fans" voted him in.

Duo: Oooh, I get replaced.

Trowa: Or I get replaced.

Duo: …Hmm…Dr. Mariemeia? Dr. Noin? Dr. Quatre? Dr. Raberba? …nope. How about- no. Dr. Wufei? …definitely no. Dr. Une? Dr. Treize? …none of them seem to have that ring in the name, Dr. Trowa.

Trowa: Why thank you.

Duo: But you still have a crappy name, and crappy hair.

Trowa: What?! You think I have a crappy name!

Duo: Oh, don't forget hair.

Trowa: Who would name themselves Duo?

Duo: I would, that's who!

Trowa: Fine…

Duo: Remember the rules, don't forget to vote, and see you all later!

****************

Don't forget to pick your vote! ^_^ Please review and stay tuned for Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions - Auditions #2


	8. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Well, well. Some of you were right. I, like Trowa, grow tired of this series and would like to end it soon and begin a brand new humor series or fic! I really feel like ending it for good, but I can't. ...oh well. No more surprises, we'll see what happens. Enjoy... 

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Auditions #2

{Trowa is posting up a big countdown sign on his wall; turns around} 

Trowa: ...what?

Director: Uh, sir... today's the day-

Trowa: Giles, today's the day that we have auditions, isn't it?

Director: ...yes...

Trowa: Good... Welcome. Thanks to all who voted. We'll be reading them live... and- OH! Sorry in a way but, ...there's no JUSTICE RANGER today!

Audience: YAY!!!

Trowa: Now will you chant with me? No More Wufei, No More Wufei!

Audience: No More Trowa! No More Trowa!

Trowa: ...e-e-e-EXCUSE ME?!!!

Audience: ...

Trowa: ...why thank you. I want to be fired, but NO!! ...stupid producers. Anyhow, "Ryo0oki" says.  
_Oohhh... this is *too* easy! ^^ Wufei won't work... her has that award winning show to produce... Treize and Marimeia are too homocidal, Heero is too suicidal, Une has a stupid name, Noin is a , and Quatre is too nice. So that leaves... Sylvia Noventa! ^^ Yup, that's my vote._

Trowa: ...Sylvia? No way will anyone who knows or is affiliated with Relena host my show! ...well, I honestly don't really care who. Just let me boot and boot quickly. Next, "pixigirl" says.  
_Keep Trowa! He's so kawaii!!!_

Trowa: Kawaii or not, I DON'T WANT TO HOST!!! ...that's one so far.

Director: One what?

Trowa: Vote.

Director: O-

Trowa: And soon, 1 turns into 11, then 11 turns into 111, then 111 turns into a GOGOOL OF TROWA VOTES!!! NOOOO!!!!!

Director: ...but...isn't 111 supposed to turn into 1111?

Trowa: ...literally, Giles, literally! Next, "Anime WildCat" says.  
_Duo must stay on the show! He's funny! I don't think Trowa should retire permenantly, just take a leave of absense or go on sabbatical. Duo should probably be host and have Noin be co-host. By the way, kudos for Justice Ranger!_

Trowa: Kudos to- that is IT!!!! I'll mail you a guide I wrote that says, 'How To Get Wufei Permanently Out Of Your System'. Next, "~*~Lucky~*~" says.

__

Like I said b4 NOIN!!!!!!!I think she's the only one who doesn't have "issues" or "problems".LOVE THE FIC!HATE THE "JUSTICE RANGER!"

Trowa: ...Lucky...we feel your pain. Justice Ranger does suck, doesn't it?

Audience: ...

Trowa: WELL I NEVER ASKED YOUR OPINION ANYWAY!!! MY OPINION IS THE ONLY ONE THAT COUNTS!! ...uh, next "Hawk" says.  
_Hmmm.. Trowa and...Heero the show just wouldn't be the same without Trowa!_

Trowa: True, very true...but NO!! The show would be fine without me! PERFECT! ...but, "Agito the Guyver3" says.  
_Nice..._

Trowa: I won't consider that as a vote. But, "Maria Rocket" says.  
_LOL!!! I love this, even the Wufei insanity! ^_^ There can be only one Dr. Trowa! But I think Quatre should get a turn as the co-host, after all, who better to help mental people than an empath? ^_^ Then again, it might drive him zero...^^;;;_

Trowa: What's to love about Wufei? He's mental! He's our... well, let's just say we're stuck with him until he's not mental.

Director: HELLO MILLENIUM!

Trowa: Anyhow-

Director: That's all for the votes, Trowa.

Trowa: What?

Director: You were only supposed to read 3. The co-host is already decided.

Trowa: Why don't you stupid staff ever let me in on when you're gonna choose the FUTURE Co-host of MY show!!!

Director: It's the boy.

Trowa: Be specific, Giles!

Director: ..._Une_, deux... trois...QUATRE...treize...q-

Trowa: Quatre, Not Quatre.

Director: Quatre.

Trowa: 4?

Director: Quatre!!

Trowa: Quatre.

Director: Yes, Quatre!

Trowa: ...but I'm Trowa.

Director: Not, it's Quatre.

Trowa: Okay, we'll be back with the co-host, 4, after the break-

Director: QUATRE!!! THE CO-HOST IS-

Trowa: 4.

Director: ROLLING THE COMMERCIAL!!

*************

Trowa: This audition will be a little shortened. We're here with our co-host...4.

Quatre: Quatre.

Trowa: Right, 4. Okay, 4. We'll put you in a booth, you have to talk to a mental person.

Quatre: Sure. (sits down) Who am I talking to?

Trowa: Uh... me. I'll be reading a script. {sits down across from Quatre} Hoo hoo hoo. I'm mental, cage me up.

Quatre: Tell me, Trowa. Do you have any issues? {sips tea}

Trowa: {shudders} ...Quatre... uh... put the tea down.

Quatre: But my tea...

Trowa: Put it down, NOW! We're on a show here, not... listen to the tea boy SIP... it's annoying.

Quatre: Fine, I won't sip the tea anymore.

Trowa: Good, now... {looks at script} ...hoo hoo hoo. Boy am I hungry. Can I eat... your shoe?

Quatre: {drinks tea}

Trowa: ...I said, may I eat your shoe?

Quatre: {drinks tea}

Trowa: {looks at him} ...Quatre-

Quatre: ?

Trowa: This is the last STRAW! Put the tea down, don't touch it!!

Quatre: But I-

Trowa: That does it! {jumps up} I quit! I quit! I QUIT!! No more- NO MORE DR. TROWA'S MENTAL SESSIONS!!!

Director: you can't do that...

Trowa: Oh yeah?! Watch me!! I'm-

Quatre: Of course you're quitting.

Trowa: AH- ...what?

Quatre: You're too mental to run your own show. It's okay, I'll run it for you. You can be a guest star. {beams}

Trowa: NO!! I'm through with hosting, co-hosting and the camera! Say SAYONARA, and I mean it! I'm never comin' back, ya hear?!

Director: But we didn't finish airing the rest of the Justice Ranger series left! There's still... 2 more!

Trowa: Boy is Wufei pathetic- Alright, ROLL 'EM! But after the episodes, I'M GONE! You won't see me around no more! NO WAY!!!!

Director: Rolling...

__

Justice is around right now in many different ways!  
And if you're not strong enough you'll have to die these days!  
Justice is a world that has strong men and so on!  
We will never except a bunch of very weak onnas!

JUSTICE!  
The world is mine!  
JUSTICE!  
I'll rule it sometime!  
JUSTICE!  
You're all meant to die!  
'Cause Wu-man's gonna own this town, the colony shall be mine!  
JUSTICE!  
...You heard me I said, JUSTICE!  
JUSTICE!

Narrator: ...EPISODE 4...THE LAKE TRAP

{scene begins as Wufei is walking down a road, by a lake.}

Wufei: What a peaceful, Justice day. 

{notices a fish jump out of the water}

Wufei: {grumbles} You just ruined a perfect justice day!!! JUUUUUSSSSTTTTTIIICCCEEE!!!!

{fish pauses in the air-- then dies}

Wufei: {smirks at the camera}

THE END!

Cre-

Trowa: SKIP THE CREDITS, AND THE THEME! Roll the dang show...

Director: My, my... were you watching it?

Trowa: {grumbles}

__

Narrator: ...EPISODE 5...THE SEASON FINALE...

{scene begins in The Justice HQ; Wufei is on the stage}

Dr. Justice: Wufei... you are now a qualified Justice Ranger... may the justice... be with you... always!

Wufei: Why thank you, Dr. Justice! {smirks at the camera}

THE END!

{screen fades away}

Quatre: That was awful!

Director: I know-

Quatre: No, what Wufei did to the fish! ...you would never imagine one word count cause such...sudden...death...

Director: ...shut up.

Quatre: {scoffs}

Director: ...hey.. where's Trowa?

Quatre: I guess he really meant it when he said Sayonara... Oh well. He'll be back.

Director: If I know Trowa, he'll come marching back soon!

{Quatre and Director leave} Quatre: See ya!

********************************

{From inside of a closet in the studio}

Trowa: ...hey! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! PLEASE OPEN UP! I'LL CONTINUE THE SHOW!! I WAS JUST KIDDING! ...Guys?...Guys?! ...GUYS!!!!

***


	9. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Sorry for being so darn lazy!! ^_^ Trowa's back, if you doubted he would be! So let's give a big hand...FOR TROWA!!! *silence* ...enjoy.

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Episode #7

{Quatre and Duo are sitting down in the studio; Quatre's drinking tea}

Director: ...alright, where's Trowa, and what have you done with him?

Quatre: Nothing.

Director: ...Duo, you got replaced, so why are you here?

Duo: I'm not mental, I'm not a co-host, and I will not just permanently leave the show! ...how about we turn this into Dr. Duo - A 24 hour tribute to Shinigami!

Director: No-

Duo: Okay.

{silence for about 15 minutes; Quatre carefully, yet annoyingly sips his tea}

Duo: ...okay, this is just getting boring now.

Quatre: How's about we bring out some entertainment?

Director: Entertainment = Wufei.

Duo: No dang way!!!

Director: Say it louder and he'll come marching in. He's the show's ...friend.

{Just then, Trowa comes marching out; arms flailing} Trowa: This is show is so darn boring!!! WE NEED SOME ENTERTAINMENT!!!

{Wufei comes marching out; grinning; holding his new CD} Wufei: Out in stores, out in stores!

Trowa: {boots Wufei off stage} Get out of here! {sighs; glances at Duo} ...Duo, get out of my chair.

Duo: {gets up} Oh sorry. I didn't see the label '_Belongs to Purple Panted Freak_' on it. {sits on the floor}

Trowa: ...Duo...When I say get out of my chair, I also might mean...get out of my studio!!

Duo: Fine! {jumps up} I'll find a way in! You can't lose me for good!

Trowa: {sarcastically} Goodie! That fills me with JOY inside my HAPPY HEART!!!

Quatre: {looks at Trowa; hands him a stress ball} I can feel the level rising...

Trowa: I don't need a stress ball!!

Quatre: ...they have stress beds in stock, too.

Trowa: I DON'T NEED ANYTHING TO DO WITH STRESS!! I AM FINE!!! {picks up a mug of coffee; gulps the whole thing down}

Quatre: ...you know, that's so hard to believe right now.

Trowa: We'll get to a commercial, NOW, please!!!

Director: ...okay.

******************

Quatre: So what are we gonna be doing for the next 3 episodes? We've went through the whole process.

Trowa: Well, we're actually be going to look at progress charts, how much guests have grown as in mentality. And everyone, except Sally Po, has been on the show.

Quatre: Why not Miss Po?

Trowa: Because there's not hope for her yet.

Quatre: Well...there wasn't any hope for Wufei either, but we still-

Trowa: Okay, shut up. ...Here's a small video Mariemeia Khushrenada put together, after our session together. Roll the film!

__

{screen begins in an ER room}

Doctor #1: We need intensive care now!

Doctor #2: We need her to live or Treize will shoot us!

{rush into room}

Scottish Surgeon: Well, there's still hope left. {brings out a small jar labeled 'HOPE' and shoves it in Mariemeia's mouth}

{In Mariemeia's room; she's sitting on a bed, with crutches and a cast}

Mariemeia: I hate you, Trowa. But in that way I've almost died by your pathetic program and is suing you for a billion dollars and-

Cameraman: Mariemeia! How about how much Trowa has helped you with your shooting problem?

Mariemeia: Helped me? Helped me DIE is more like it! I still hate him, and is going to shoot him dead, I will! You be watching!!!

{screen fades}

***

Quatre: She's suing you, T-

Trowa: I know that.

Quatre: How about the video that Heero put together after his sessions? Roll the film!

***

__

{screen begins as Heero is strapped to a wall}

Heero: S.O.S anyone! I'm in danger at the colony! They've stolen my Gundams and-

Evil man: Shut up, boy!

Cameraman: Hey, evil man? Can you let Heero say or explain how Trowa's sessions have helped him?

Evil man: Make it quick!

Heero: ...Helped me or not helped me? Well, Trowa's a lazy crappy person who makes a living drinking coffee and sucking the life out of himself with those tight pants, therefore I am considered he's an alien draining energy out of himself. But that's okay, let him drain. Drain more and more until he falls dead! Drain more! And-

Evil man: Time's up! {lunges at Heero}

{screen fades}

***

Quatre: Did you see that?!

Trowa: Yes I did.

Quatre: Wasn't it awful?

Trowa: No it was not.

Quatre: Don't you feel anger?

Trowa: No I do not.

Quatre: But-

Trowa: After the commercial break, Wufei, Treize and Zechs!

***********

Trowa: Okay, here's the video Wufei put together after his one session. Yes one session, that's why he's so mental. He hasn't had enough help!

Quatre: Sad, ain't it?

Trowa: Dry, is what it is!

Quatre: Roll the film!

****

__

{scene begins as Wufei is on the set for Justice Ranger}

Wufei: When I get a headache or feel lousy and just crappy-

Other man: AS USUAL!

Wufei: I use 'WUFEI AWAY'. This fully compact medicine, made by the top medicine men or people like that, will cure anything! From Laryngitis to Cancer! From dying to constipation-

Other man: WHICH HE JUST WENT THROUGH LAST WEEK!

Wufei: From chicken pox...to some other deadly disease unthinkable! Think people...do you want to be sick-

Other man: OF WUFEI-

Wufei: Anymore? Just call the number, and order it. First 1000 people get it free. *grins* Sponsored by: BRAINS...THEY'RE IN YOU TO GIVE-

Other man: TO WUFEI!!

{screen fades}

***

Trowa: Oh, now I'm getting one of those!

Quatre: That had nothing to do with the show.

Trowa: No, but I gotta get one of those. It said '_Do you really want to be sick OF WUFEI anymore?'_ I don't! Quatre, call the dang number!

Quatre: Trowa, you gullible fool...those were fake. That WUFEI AWAY stuff was probably Advil in disguise!

Trowa: ...whatever! You just don't wanna face the fact that I'm right! Anywayz, here's the video Treize put together after our session or sessions.

Quatre: Roll it!-

{Deathscythe crashes down the studio wall; Duo hops out} Duo: Hope I'm not too late!

Trowa: Too late? You're supposed to be gone!

Duo: Not yet, I'm not! I won't leave!

Trowa: I'll give you one chance to think of a reason why you shouldn't leave!

Duo: I got great karaoke hits for ya!

Trowa: Okay, fine. This better be good!

Duo: {clears his throat; begins to sing} _To the tune of the Brady Bunch theme_  
This is the story, of a thing named Wufei  
Who lived alone with his justice ego  
They lived in a house in the colony  
And had no one to call their own

Also the story, of a thing named a brain  
Who walked down to this house in the terrain  
It sucked itself inside Wufei's puny head  
And that is how Wufei got a brain

Wufei got a brain, he got a brain  
That's how Wufei got a brain  
He lived his life, without a brain  
Now he has one, he fin'ly has a brain!  
YAY! 

{Duo bursts out laughing; Wufei marches on stage}

Wufei: You allow this crap to be played on your show.

Trowa: ...we allowed Justice Ranger on the show, didn't we?

{audience laughs}

Wufei: JUSTICE RANGER WAS NOT CRAP!!!

{audience laughs more}

Quatre: This arguing is okay, as long as it's all a joke, right?

Trowa: ...no.

Quatre: Well you don't really mean it when you say Justice Ranger was...c-crap...do you?

Trowa: Of course, boy!

Duo: {bends down to breathe in fresh air} Ah...man, I gotta leave! I'm gonna burst.

Quatre: {looks at him in shock}

Duo: ...not literally, Quatre, not literally.

Trowa: Well, we've been rained with more shame now Wufei is here. Let's take a look at Treize's video now... roll it.

***

__

{scene begins as Treize is getting surgery}

Cameraman: ...Treize?

Scottish Surgeon: Hold it lad! Get away! Can't you see there's no more hope left? {shows him the jar labeled 'HOPE'; it's empty}

Cameraman: But he can't die!

Scottish Surgeon: Well, let me see if there's faith at least! {grabs a bottle labeled 'FAITH' and shoves the rest down Treize's mouth}

*

Treize: Die, Trowa!

{scene fades away}

***

Quatre: {gasps}

Trowa: It was only Treize!

Quatre: ...I can't stand the fact of someone dying.

Trowa: We're almost at a commercial break. But here's the video Zechs put together after our session.

Quatre: Roll it.

***

__

{scene begins as Zechs is being pulled on a stretcher}

Zechs: I'm about to die, can't you film someone else?

Cameraman: Say a few words about Trowa first.

Zechs: Trowa's stupid. He dresses cheaply, therefore can not afford proper clothing.

Cameraman: ...anything else?

Zechs: No.

Cameraman: Okay.

{scene fades away}

***

Trowa: I hated him!

Quatre: Hate is such a harsh word...

Trowa: I can't take this! Roll the commercial!!!

********* 

Trowa: So, I think that's all the video's we're showing today. We'll show more next time. But next time, I won't be here! {beams}

Quatre: ...you're abandoning me?

Trowa: No, I'm going off for my 1 day I DON'T WANNA WORK FOR THIS SHOW NO MORE campaign! I'm trying to find ways to end my show in 3 episodes! Isn't that wonderful?

Audience: NO!!!!

Trowa: No = yes, and yes = yes as well! Now, isn't that fair?

Audience: NO!!!!

Trowa: They're getting the hang of it already! Anyhow, Wufei is going to read a poem for us. ...god help.

{All of a sudden, Duo runs in} 

Duo: I'm here and I'm helping!

Trowa: ...what?

Duo: I am god.

Trowa: ...yeah...okay. Well, here's Wufei.

{show gets paused for a second; flashy ad pops up}  
THE MONEY AND SAVINGS OF THIS SHOW DO NOT GET PAID TO WUFEI. I REPEAT, WUFEI IS NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS. (Actually, he thinks he is. Once the series is over, he'll get nothin' of the profit!) THANK YOU!  
{show continues}

{Wufei comes out and starts marching - To the tune of anything you can fit it in}

Wufei: HELP! The world is getting killed by Wufei!  
RUN! The world is getting slaughtered by Wufei!  
HIDE! Here comes Wufei!

{runs off stage}

Duo: ...was that supposed to be _entertainment?_

Trowa: Sad to say, but yes.

Quatre: I think Wufei is being put under pressure. This is just a cry for help.

Trowa: Oh? ...then he's been cryin' for help since day 1!

Quatre: This is the only way Wufei can-

Duo: DISGRACE!

Quatre: -himself...disgrace?

Duo: Express! Right! I _meant, wink wink nudge nudge, _express!

Trowa: ...Uh...Duo what the hell're you doing here?

Duo: Oh, well...

Trowa: You're supposed to be gone.

Duo: And you were supposed to end the show!

Trowa: And...you were supposed to cut your hair!

Duo: And you were supposed to get new pants!

Trowa: And you were supposed to return those priest clothes!

Duo: And you were supposed to get NEW clothes!

Trowa: And you were supposed to admit you are NOT the God of Death 7 years ago!

Duo: And you were...uh...shut up!

Trowa: You shut up!

Duo: No, you shut up first!

Trowa: ...shut up!

Duo: You shut up!

Trowa: Shut up!

Duo: Shut up!

Trowa: Shut up!

Duo: Shut up!

Trowa: Shut up!

Duo: Shut up!

Trowa: Shut up!

Duo and Trowa: SHUT-

{annoying sounds of tea sipping come from Quatre; they both turn around and look at him}

Quatre: {sips tea again; notices they're staring at him} ...oh sorry. Did I interrupt your argument?

Trowa: ...Shut up!

Duo: ...it's no point anymore.

Trowa: ...Duo, you're supposed to be gone!

Duo: And you're supposed to end the show!

Trowa: And you're-

Quatre: See ya!

*****************

That's the end of another pointless episode! ^_^ Please review! (Yes I will be continuing it!)


	10. Dr. Trowa

****

Author's Note: Another episode of Trowa! What is the world coming to? First Wufei, then me? Either the world was a wreck...or it still is. Nevertheless...enjoy.

Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions  
Episode #8

{Quatre is beaming, drinking tea sitting in Trowa's chair. Duo is beside him}

Quatre: Good morning everyone!

{silence}

Quatre: Trowa's not here.

Duo: No dang duh!

Quatre: So I get to control the show! 

Duo: It's all here in the schedule! {hands Quatre a paper} First you have to-

Quatre: LET WUFEI SING A SONG?! ...uh, no!

Duo: I agree, but Trowa and the director have gotten quite fond of Wufei's nonsense making songs.

Quatre: How horrible.

Duo: So here's Wufei, with an old karaoke hit! It's the new theme song for Justice Ranger 2!

Audience: NOT ANOTHER JUSTICE RANGER!!!

Duo: Yes, for all of you who thought the torture was over! I did too! But he _has_ to come back! We're actually paying him!!

Quatre: Or so he thinks. {grins; sighs} Here's Wufei...

{Wufei comes marching out; To the tune of any tune you can fit it in}

Wufei: Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Audience: YAY!!!

Wufei: This song also on my album! Out in stores, out in-

Duo: GET OFF THE STAGE!!! {throws Quatre's tea at him}

Quatre: ...my tea...

Duo: Get over it. We have to go to a commercial!

Quatre: ...comm...commm...roll it...

*************

Quatre: {gulps down tea} Well, now we'll get down to some more of those pathetic videos.

Duo: Yeah. And who's more pathetic than Relena?

Quatre: Wufei.

Duo: True, very true. But, we have to see Relena's video anyway. {sighs} here it is. That...yeah.

***

__

{screen begins as Relena is getting an X-Ray}

Dr.: Alright, the developed pictures of your brain are in.

Relena: What do they show?

Dr.: That...well, Miss Relena, we've searched!

Relena: I know, I know. I-

Dr.: You...don't have a brain...

{screen fades}

***

Duo: I knew it! I knew it was true! Quatre, you owe me 5!

Quatre: {hands him 5 dollars} But, Duo, everyone has a brain.

Duo: Maybe so, but SHE doesn't use hers.

Quatre: But-

Duo: And besides, those were test results! You can't prove a test wrong!

Quatre: It's impossible that-

Duo: No it's not! Maybe someone just got first dibs on the last brain, leaving her _brainless._

Quatre: {sighs} Let's take a look at...uh...Noin's video. Then right after, we'll look at Lady Une's video.

Duo: Roll 'em!

***

__

{scene begins as L.Noin is flipping a gun in her hand}

Cameraman: ...feeling suicidal today?

L. Noin: Nope. I've just realized what a jerk Trowa is for making me believe his stupid treatments could actually work!

Cameraman: Think positive thoughts. What's good about Trowa?

L. Noin: ...I'm getting paid to answer this, right?

Cameraman: No.

L. Noin: Then get away! Trowa couldn't be popular, cool, or FASHIONABLE if his pathetic stupid life depends on it! Good thing it doesn't!!

Cameraman: ...we'll end this now.

{screen fades}

***

__

{scene begins as Lady Une is holding a gun up to her head}

Cameraman: Uh...Lady Une?-

Lady Une: And I love momma and pappa, and nanna,gran-nanny. And gran-mamma and make sure she takes care of my guns and rifles and stuff and that she puts cake on my grave every month, and new guns and bullets, and rifles and...GOODBYE! {shoots herself}

{screen fades}

***

Duo: Pointless?

Quatre: Very.

Duo: Commercial?

Quatre: Definitely.

*********

Duo: Can we just quit with the videos?

Quatre: I think that's all anywayz. Oh yeah, and the reason we didn't show our videos are-

Duo: We didn't make any!

Quatre: Y-Yeah!

{silence...}

Director: liars. Let's see 'em!

Duo: No! I beg you!

Quatre: I'll pay you!

Duo: I'll sue you! I'll-

Director: Roll 'em!

***

__

{scene begins as Duo is sitting in his apartment; flipping channels}

Cameraman: Hey Duo! Could you tell us how it feels to be on Trowa's show?

Duo: Sucks.

Cameraman: Oh.

{silence...}

Cameraman: So...what's on?

Duo: Rugrats.

Cameraman: Anything else?

Duo: Nope.

Cameraman: Why?

Duo: Because!

Cameraman: Because why?

Duo: Because I haven't paid my TV bills for 3 years.

Cameraman: ...oh.

Duo: Okay, can you leave now?

Cameraman: Gotcha!

***

__

{scene begins as Quatre is viewing the world from space}

Quatre: The world, is such a beautiful place!

Cameraman: ...riiiight...

Quatre: Filled with happy people, peace and love, justice and-

Cameraman: You were a former hippie, weren't you?

Quatre: No. {crosses his fingers behind back}

Cameraman: So you got the job on Trowa's show. How does it feel?

Quatre: Okay.

Cameraman: ...okay. 

Quatre: ...

Cameraman: ...

Quatre: ...

Cameraman: ...

Quatre: ...

Cameraman: .-

Quatre: Bye.

Cameraman: Yeah...right.

***

Duo: I am so gonna sue!!

Quatre: {snickers} So how was the latest episode of RUGRATS, Duo?

Duo: I want you to SHUT UP as soon as possible!

Quatre: Uh...commercial.

***

Duo: Well a shocking surprise is...Trowa succeeded!

Quatre: Yes, this is the last episode of the show!

Duo: Then why the hell is Wufei making another season of Justice Ranger?

Quatre: Because we're airing them right now. Take a look! All 6 episodes of Justice Ranger 2!

Duo: {dull voice} 6. Wow. That's a big improvement from _5_!!!

Quatre: {beams} I know! Non-stop episodes! No credits at all!! Roll it!

*********

__

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out from nowhere and pretends he's a Power Ranger, with this dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 1...THE CAR...

{scene begins in the Justice Headquarters}

Dr. Justice: Wufei, you need a car.

Wufei: Okay.

{Dr. Justice shows him a red mustang convertible}

Wufei: {grins at the camera}

THE END!

***

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out of nowhere and poses like a Power ranger with a dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 2...THE HOLIDAY...

{scene begins as Dr. Justice and Wufei are fighting crime for the sake of Hannukah!}

Wufei: But we're not jewish.

Dr. Justice: Right!

{both leave-}

Wufei: {stops; grins at the camera}

THE END!

***

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out of nowhere and poses like a Power ranger with a dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 3...THE EVIL INSIDE THE CHEESE...

{scene begins as Wufei is eating breakfast}

Wufei: {plugs his nose} What's that stench? The cheese!! {runs over to it} JUSTICE!! 

{cheese magically floats out the window}

Wufei: {grins at camera}

THE END!

***

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out of nowhere and poses like a Power ranger with a dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 4...THE MEDALS

{scene begins as Wufei is running a marathon}

Evil man: {cuts in front of Wufei}

Wufei: JUSTICE!

Evil man: {falls dead}

Wufei: {smirks at camera}

THE END!

***

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out of nowhere and poses like a Power ranger with a dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 5...POOR WUFEI...

{scene begins as Wufei is watching Saved by the Bell-- THE OLD CLASS-- strapped to a chair}

Wufei: What kind of injustice person would do this?

Evil man 2: Me!

Wufei: Justice!

Evil man 2: {falls dead}

Wufei: {grins at camera}

THE END!

***

Justice Crimes and unjustice people!  
Living in an unjustice land!  
There can only be one ranger,  
Who can help them understand!

JUSTICE RANGER!  
Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know...  
JUSTICE LAND!  
I will be there for Justice, too!   
No crime can escape me, even if tis not a crime  
So brace yourselves, duck for cover!  
'Cause now it's Justice Ranger's time!

Stupid voice: It's Justice Ranger 2!! Starring Wufei Chang as Wufei Chang the Justice Ranger! {Wufei jumps out of nowhere and poses like a Power ranger with a dorky grin on his face}

Narrator: EPISODE 6...THE SEASON FINALE AGAIN...

{scene begins}

Dr. Justice: Wufei, you honor us. Take this medal and go far away! Do great things in the power of justice!

Wufei: Thank you. {grins at camera}

THE END!

***********

Duo: Sucked.

Quatre: Yeah.

Duo: Did you know there's really a Justice Ranger 1 to a Justice Ranger 20?

Quatre: No duh. Wufei's stupid episodes hardly have a plot!

Duo: Hardly?

Quatre: Yeah, well. That was just a dose of comedy-

Duo: Pure comedy!

Quatre: Yeah. Well...good bye everyone!

Duo: Good Luck & Good bye!

Quatre: ...yeah.

*************

THAT'S IT! Hope you liked it! If you did review, tell me what you liked. And also, be thankful there's no more Justice Ranger!!! (Ah, YES!!) 


End file.
